dear Sporty dude bro.

I went for a long walk this evening

Trying to find a tree similar to one I saw this afternoon up in Oswego, NY

  
During my more-than-one-hour walk tonight, though passing at least 30 people, no words were exchanged.

The solitude was nice.

There was a sweet moment of acknowledgement between myself & a father walking with his young son – as we passed in opposite directions, the child said something funny & I laughed & so did the father 

3 seconds of eyes meeting & that was all.

Felt good to just settle into movement & senses

  
I mention all of this

Because not five minutes into a walk on a cliff overlooking Lake Ontario this afternoon

I hear a man’s voice asking me a question as I’m looking closer at a tombstone 

“Did you just take a picture of that tombstone?”  
So I stand up & turn around

And say: yes

  
Dear sporty dude bro on a bicycle,

My short answer to your question is my polite attempt to let you know that I’m not interested in having a conversation.

“Did you know him”

No.

My short answer to your other question is my second attempt to let you know that I’m not interested in having a conversation.

All due respect to local traditions, but my backing away from you is a not-so-polite way to let you know that I’m seriously not interested in hearing more about you and your friend sleeping on a grave of one of the soldiers buried here.

And then, “do you speak English?”

Yes (still backing away)

Thankfully, he then pedaled on his way  
*sigh*

And then

*whew*

I wanted to feel the water of this Great Lake

Wanted to see it’s natural rock line

But there was fencing

  
Dude bro was gone, & no one was around, AND there was a hole cut in the fence

So I crawled through it

(This is the view on the narrow strip of land between the lake & the fence, aforementioned cemetery just beyond)

  
I didn’t go down to the water

There was a steep slope of that same crushed stone used under the railroad ties

I didn’t dare not being able to scramble back up, OR being caught

I didn’t stay long

Just long enough to hear the waves 

The smell of creosote was strong from the new railroad ties

  
So again through the hole in the fence to be with great-great-great grand ancient tree for awhile

(Backpack set there to show scale)

It must have witnessed so much in its long lifetime

  
If anyone recognizes this bud/blossom, please let me know.

There were many scattered about under the canopy & it’s kinda sticky.

I had to get back home, otherwise I would have tried to find a shoreline with public access.

Perhaps another time.

So here’s a gratuitous image of Genuine kitty in her cozy new sleeping spot

 (Thank you, Jean, for the photo!)

Wishing all a peaceful night.

Blessings on the Ancients.

5 Element breakup rant & in praise of Winter.

I love Winter

The feel of it
The smell of it
The look of it
The sound of it

Even if I’ve been sick nearly a month
I love Winter.

Walking outside this morning on my way to work
Greeted by sunshine & the fresh smell in the air

(Nothing cuts through a mucus stuffed nasal passage like 18 degree air)

My spirits lifted instantly upon smelling that snow-coming-soon air

Our Greater Lungs are exposed in Wintertime
Yes

The Tree People

Without them we’d be so sad
We owe them our deep respect & protection

This is our vascular system!

Reflecting the past couple days on the breakup which occurred back in October
I keep visualizing cutting the invisible cords that run all the way to Minnesota.
I usually try to pull back the cords
But not this time.
It’s big scissor time

Scissors, machete, shears, whatever works.

Let the cords fall where they may
Compost & seeds & all
Let wildflowers & bee food grow there

We are in Winter
The Water time – the Mystery time

There was a detour
I was headed in a direction, heart full on, totally willing, and the Universe has other plans.

We’re on a Detour, honey.

Let’s remember the 8 Worldly Dharmas, please.

Let the minerals from Autumn grief feed the Waters of Winter

I have no idea where my life is headed.
That’s right
I have no idea at this point.

I think I used to be embarrassed to admit this
But not anymore
This is the truth of where I’m at today

Winter Mysteryville.

Blessings on the silent creatures
The Trees, the Bees
The ones we depend on for so much

May we one day soon give them the love & care & protection they deserve

Blessings on all beings

How to hold the heart gently.

I’m learning

It’s a new practice

Drawing helps

Going for walks

Connecting with friends

Seeing what is present, and cultivating gratitude for all the goodness

What do you do?
How do you hold the heart gently through grief times?

Frog & the happy for you seeds

once upon a time

when i was very young

i rescued a frog

it was tethered by a cord

it’s leg was caught

i unwound it

the frog let out a sigh of relief

was thankful

it dove into the water

i watched it swim free

steady, strong movements

grace

frog came back with a small sack tied tight

slung over its shoulder

and presented it to me with a gesture to please, take it

so i offered out my hand

and frog set the little sack down in my palm

the water slid off of the material quick

dried like magic

i could feel a weight of something inside as it shifted to the shape of my palm

i bowed and said thank you so

frog bowed and said thank you so and dove back into the water

popped back up and said

“they are happy for you seeds”

and before i could ask what that meant

frog was gone

…

for years

in and out of relationships

i planted a seed for each one

resentment killed each plant

jealousy killed each plant

fear killed each plant

each relationship i planted a new seed

and tried to keep the plant alive

i tried and tried

but it was only when i planted seeds while not in relationship

and practiced tending while practicing being happy for others

(and watched a couple of Snow Leopards in their relationship – with so much care & grace)

that i began to learn how to care for this plant

i’m happy for you

i’m happy for you

i have a friend, she’s a natural, with this Mudita thing

this Mudita practice

Muditā (Pāli and Sanskrit: मुदिता) means joy. It is especially sympathetic or vicarious joy, the pleasure that comes from delighting in other people’s well-being rather than begrudging it.^[1] The traditional paradigmatic example of this mind-state is the attitude of a parent observing a growing child’s accomplishments and successes, but it is not to be confounded with pride as the person feeling mudita must not have any interest or direct income from the accomplishments of the other. If we can be happy when other people are healthy and prosperous, it is called mudita; the opposite word is envy or schadenfreude.

(thank you Wikipedia)

for me, Mudita didn’t come so natural

i had to practice and practice

and practice some more

with friends and relations

now it arises more easily

yes, i still now and again feel the arrow of envy

but it’s not like before

and it more points the way, like a compass, like a guide

not with the tangle of shame that would follow in its wake…

like a clumsy monster walking through a shallow pool

…

i remember this frog

and the generous gift bestowed upon me

i’ll keep practicing…

and tending to the happy for you tree

we all know that things can change on a dime, but it’s easy to forget.

okay

so i began to blog because i fell in love with someone last Winter.

someone who i loved in a way i didn’t really understand

in a way that called me to be a way i didn’t know i could be.

strange, easy connection.

but

it didn’t unfold in that capital R relationship-y way

we were, and are friends

and i’m happy for him that he’s found someone with whom there seems to be a quite wonderful connection between the two of them

this is the best of things.

so

i began to blog.

because i had stopped farming

and this relationship-connection where sharing occurred was no longer there…

and

because i felt i had to do something

the energy had to go somewhere

so

i began to blog.

not because i think i have “something to say”

it came more out of a sort of need

to share.

i don’t write much about relationship (or Relationship)

but find that i think about relationships a lot.

not just in that “longing” way, but just thinking about it.

i’m in relationship with everyone

and everything.

all the time.

today

i feel sad, grief i didn’t expect to feel

upon seeing images of a beloved teacher who just passed away.

someone who was very warm, very present, and very kind.

and even though we didn’t share a lot of time out side of the school

there is something in me that feels a great grief in knowing that she’s not embodied any more…

i’d often drive by her house, & every time i would think fondly of her

even though i had only been there once.

i knew it was her house, her home

and memory is a funny and wonderful thing

i feel lucky, fortunate, to have shared some time with this very kind, earthy, strong woman.

and i guess it just brings home

that this time we are here is very short

and we all know that things can change on a dime

and

well

the truth of that kinda freaks me out, and i’m feeling it today.

feeling a kind of achy love feeling inside

for the people & critters in my life today…

thinking of her family, and those close with her…

feeling the web of connection today…

blessings.

why i gave up on internet dating.

i tried internet dating.

for about a month.  maybe.

i tried because i seem to be invisible where i live.

well, except to what seems to be men over 65.  which is not really what i’m lookin’ for in a date.

creepy thing is that i’ve been told that i look like i’m in my late 20’s (i don’t think people are looking close enough at my grey hair and eye wrinkles) and if dudes in their 60’s are checking me out that makes it even creepier…

so internet dating…

it was just too weird for me.

i know, i know, it works for lots of people and blessings on all of ’em.

but for so many reasons i felt uncomfortable with it – i mean, just the whole intake form…

specifically it was the “5 things you can’t live without” list that got my head spinning.

sure… clean water, relative health, friends, organic food nearby, & etc… that sort of thing is a given.

i can’t remember exactly what i wrote (it has been a while since deactivating my account) – but it was something along the lines of:  my hands, something to write on & write with, friends… and who knows what the other two things were.

the thing is, i kept thinking about it.

maybe i COULD live without my hands.  sure, it would really really suck, but people do lose their hands sometimes, or even are born without hands, and they get along.

i began to actually notice the things i felt i absolutely had to have, either where i live or on my person when leaving the house on any given day…

and i noticed that these 5 things were not on my 5 things i couldn’t live without list.

the rabbit-mind began to spin…

was this dishonest?  was i being a liar?  wouldn’t it be best to be honest?  what did i WANT people to see?  what would people want to see?  it didn’t feel true.  i began to feel like i was setting a stage, like for a play or a musical…  (or probably a comedy, or perhaps, a drama…)

i could have said ANYTHING on that 5 things list…

i can’t leave the house without a flower in my hair  i can’t live without my set of ginzu steak knives

i’m pretty sure that people don’t really give a crap that i can’t live without soap & a nail scrubber.

or that i feel wretched when i’m without a compost pile (or access to a compost pile.)

or my very sexy bite guard.

or toothpaste for sensitive teeth.  (for real, i’d be screwed and forced to eat pudding for the rest of my life were it not for this stuff.)

i suppose if i didn’t live in such a small city, i’d be tempted to simply list the REAL 5 things i can’t live without and see what happens.

but since said dating site matched me with someone who i know wants kids, likes big boobs, and has a porn addiction, i decided to give it up.

anyways, it’s one less thing for this rabbit-mind to spin on about.

now i find myself thinking up “more 5 things” lists all the time, like a game…

it’s kinda fun.

How the Good morning photos began…

there’s this joke between my mom and me… about time, and how i most easily remember my life by the relationships i’ve been in…

years? dates? forget it.

too hard for this brain to keep organized.

but people?  no problem.

…o yeah, it was when i was with so-&-so…

how the Good morning photos began is not so different, it’s just that i actually remember the year, but i think that’s because i was farming at the time…

it was 2009

and i was dating a man who lived nearly 700 miles away

it began in early Spring

and i was living in a sweet studio apartment on a small dairy farm

it was built into a metal barn.  (read:  tin can)

and so the only cell reception was near, and by near i mean VERY NEAR the window, and by VERY NEAR i mean i had to stand AT the window in order to catch any cell reception.

and that’s where i would keep my dinky flip-phone

there it sat, perched on it’s very fancy holder (that would be two drywall screws set into the window sash), attached to the charger where it sat through the night.

every morning, when i woke up, i’d pad over to the window, (not far from the bed… it was a studio apartment, and for the record, i loved it – though it was cold, but that’s another story…)

so i’d look out at the beautiful view, and then i’d send a simple text…

Good morning

(capital G thanks to the automatic setting)

then i’d move into my day.

time goes on, lots happens (more other stories), and eventually, we break up.

now i still wanted to say good morning

even if i didn’t receive a good morning back any more

but i’m fortunate to have dear friends, and they made it abundantly clear that it would be best to not send him ANY MORE TEXTS

(or calls.  or anything.)

so one morning

still wanting to say good morning (even if it were only a text…  call it ‘crumb communication’)

as i stood at the window, looking out at the gorgeous view, feeling something in my chest (probably fresh heartbreak) and with that ache of wanting to share, i took a photo of what i saw

and sent it to Facebook

(i had just learned how to ‘upload’ that summer – insert: techno-dork happy dance)

so that’s how it began

the 6th of November 2009, (date provided by Facebook date stamp thankyouverymuch) in that studio apartment, at the window, with that gorgeous view.

and since then, every morning, when i’m awake and ready enough to go outside, i go to roughly the same spot, (even if i’ve since moved, or i’m house sitting or wherever) and take a photo.

Good morning.