It’s been awhile since I last posted.
I hope it offered some benefit.
It’s been awhile since I last posted.
I hope it offered some benefit.
although my season at the farm began in February seeding Alliums in the greenhouse,
i began taking photos
from approximately the same spot upon arriving to work, beginning in May and ending in December.
(skipping a number of the days due to rushing or being late, or just forgetting…)
(pardon the (possibly obnoxious) long run of (only) photos. i wish i could show it in a 3-block format, like on Instagram, but i don’t know how to change format for one post.)
thank you, 2015.
(now it’s time to delete these from my phone so as to make more room for new photos of Sophie & Izzy.)
I remember the first day I worked for my Elders
It was November 2009
Nervous that we wouldn’t find things to talk about…
I had met them in the Spring of 2008 while working on a landscape gardening crew – and we tended their beautiful perennial garden.
Nervousness gave way to a sense of ease
They became my anchor.
They came to know me & my quirks
Their home became familiar territory
I’m reminded of them, of conversations, the many meals, hugs, mannerisms & habits I had the honor to witness & be a part of for the past almost 6 years.
& was told early-on “fresh ground black pepper”
And so, at lunch, went the question: would you like some FRESH GROUND black pepper?
Nearly always, the reply was YES
Markers of time, reminders are everywhere
His chair where he sat
Her chair where she sat
The clock with large numbers, easier to read, marks the time after his surgery
Pinching salt in a dish
The ubiquitous box of Kleenex
A pile of letters from another grandchild
Well-worn sweatshirts (which I feel compelled to wear, though I stop myself…)
(He stopped speaking at that point)
It was an honor to simply be with him
Even now, sitting here, pausing now & again to look around & really take in the surroundings, a swirl from past moments floods my mind
& then coming present, that sense of honor… What an honor it is to have gotten to be in these dear people’s lives over time
“We’re such lucky, lucky people” she would say.
It’s all kinda fresh, still.
Winter gives way to Spring
Spring gives way to Summer
Summer eases into Fall
and so on.
every thing changes.
but but but
there is still in me this *thing*
like an assumption
which is a curious word
in and of itself.
this day has come
and it will go
each breath comes in, then goes
the people i love, this body i’m inhabiting, even the beliefs i hold about those i do not love…
i watch how i live my life – and i see how i try to hold on to things
at times, so often, so graspy.
at times, now and again, with grace.
and just like that
don’t get me wrong – i appreciate things that are built to last
older buildings being my favorite examples of such things…
or the telephone which sat on the table and was heavy and had the long curly cord attached to it…
people who are courageous, who vow to walk their lives together till death comes for one… signing up for that depth of future-grief.
i guess it’s simply unsettling, still,
this sort of being-ness
like walking a fine line
which always feels like some being-in-between
and the dance of acceptance & effort is a delicate one
i watch the longing – and then i try to practice settling in, or settling down – somewhere in the heart region.
the image that comes is leaning back, into a sort of low & very comfortable chair.
then my eyes, which are often quite alert & tense, relax.
20 years ago this month, (a baffling thing to write) i moved to New York City to begin my formal studies of Shiatsu.
and for a while, i practiced… mostly part-time, and a stretch of years full-time after getting my NY state license to practice massage.
now i only practice every now and again
and find that i mostly enjoy offering it in a casual way – as needed.
“spot work” – and it has taken a long time to drop the judgement of not doing bodywork in that full-on professional way any longer.
when i was 23 i thought i’d be practicing bodywork forever.
and at 34 at the farm i thought i’d be there forever.
so as i look around now at my life
in this present day – there is the feeling of “forever”, and there is the awareness that this too will change.
Blessings on the day.
this needs to be short
because i need to get home
home to my next, new home.
first night tonight.
(this is my new flatmate.)
i’ve been dropping the ball.
feels like everything is happening at once.
sure, i can list the many things that had to get done or that happened this past month and give myself a break.
and while it’s part of my practice to be kind, it’s still challenging for me to offer this sort of kindness towards myself.
the habit is “try to be perfect”
(whatever that really is)
or at the very least, not make excuses.
but it seems like i’m failing
i listened to a wonderful podcast from On Being – Krista Tippet interviewing Brene Brown.
she calls it the mid-life unraveling.
i don’t exactly know if that’s what this time in my life is, but i’ll call it that for now.
certainly feels a bit like an unraveling
(Stanley munching his way through my basket handle)
i’m a spool of thread
that just ran out, leaving the spool spinning around like a top…
my point in writing this post is to let folks know who get the daily good morning photo that while i will continue to take the photos, i don’t know when the internet & computer will be set up and ready to go.
so, there will be a pause in the good morning photos.
i’ll bank them, and when the computer is good to go, i’ll post them.
thanks for reading my blog.
til the next time,
may you be happy.
13 years ago this month
from Brooklyn to Ithaca
driven in a truck by my then-boyfriend, loaded with nearly everything i owned, and tucked in the back seat were my two kitties.
Birdy & Oni.
this month i’m moving again to the very same apartment that i moved to 13 years ago this month.
(that would be the apartment that i moved to in Ithaca)
there’s a fancy new toilet
(a germaphobe’s nightmare)
the walls have been painted all lovely like
and there’s a mixed bag of feelings around the move.
i really shouldn’t be doing anything besides packing and bringing things down to the apartment
(and kissing Izzy & Sophie)
and certainly not writing a blog post
i should be focusing only on the move
(and kissing Izzy & Sophie)
aaaaand the apartment.
which is currently in a state of disarray
(i kinda had this hope that i’d move things in just-so & it wouldn’t be so chaotic, but that’s sorta gone out the window…)
13 years later, i have WAY more stuff than can fit in a pick-up truck.
it feels like everything is happening at once.
i remind myself of something i heard in a Pema Chodron talk –
a reply her teacher, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, said to her in response to her telling him about her life & all the changes going on in it at the time:
“we are ALL always in transition”
i seem to forget this – transitions are usually slower, benign.
these days, they seem to be more sharply focused.
not saying bad or good
just what it feels like.
i’m going to miss where i’ve been living & who i’ve been living with.
but there are many positive aspects about this move
and things i cannot even know.
i often try to know.
but the thing is
i don’t know
and that’s a damn good thing
because this rabbit-mind is quick to tell a scary story.
i don’t know how things will unfold
i will try as best i can to be present with the unfolding.
this in and of itself is challenge enough.
and speaking of challenge,
despite all the Cancer in my natal chart, i suck at arranging furniture.
i can move into a place that’s existing as is, like when i house sit, and make myself at home just fine.
but this sort of arranging furniture in a pleasing, homey way?
instead of making myself feel badly for this lack of domestic wizardry, i’m going to ask friends for help in this regard.
someone recently said to me “some people actually enjoy that sort of thing”
which is great
because it only seems to make me feel like a prize failure.
the Heart does what the Heart does.
the Liver does what the Liver does.
the Spleen does what the Spleen does.
no need to ask any one thing to do it all
*sigh of relief*
dinner, then more packing.
and a new Good morning view coming soon.
so i began to blog because i fell in love with someone last Winter.
someone who i loved in a way i didn’t really understand
in a way that called me to be a way i didn’t know i could be.
strange, easy connection.
it didn’t unfold in that capital R relationship-y way
we were, and are friends
and i’m happy for him that he’s found someone with whom there seems to be a quite wonderful connection between the two of them
this is the best of things.
i began to blog.
because i had stopped farming
and this relationship-connection where sharing occurred was no longer there…
because i felt i had to do something
the energy had to go somewhere
i began to blog.
not because i think i have “something to say”
it came more out of a sort of need
i don’t write much about relationship (or Relationship)
but find that i think about relationships a lot.
not just in that “longing” way, but just thinking about it.
i’m in relationship with everyone
all the time.
i feel sad, grief i didn’t expect to feel
upon seeing images of a beloved teacher who just passed away.
someone who was very warm, very present, and very kind.
and even though we didn’t share a lot of time out side of the school
there is something in me that feels a great grief in knowing that she’s not embodied any more…
i’d often drive by her house, & every time i would think fondly of her
even though i had only been there once.
i knew it was her house, her home
and memory is a funny and wonderful thing
i feel lucky, fortunate, to have shared some time with this very kind, earthy, strong woman.
and i guess it just brings home
that this time we are here is very short
and we all know that things can change on a dime
the truth of that kinda freaks me out, and i’m feeling it today.
feeling a kind of achy love feeling inside
for the people & critters in my life today…
thinking of her family, and those close with her…
feeling the web of connection today…
one of the (specific & numerous) reasons that kept me from wanting to go, was that
what i had heard from a recently married friend of mine was
that a person who was going to be on retreat tried to break up my friend’s recent marriage.
(yes, i’m intentionally being vague)
i didn’t know the details
i still don’t
and heading into the retreat, i could feel a sort of shield up
ideas fixed & hard
(one of the many, various heart-shields)
with a particular one towards this particular person.
i was polite, and (re)introduced myself before the silence began
they didn’t remember me from the wedding
(i wear my invisibility cloak a lot here in town…)
and through the retreat
even though there are no words, and a lot of silence
i could feel my heart starting to tenderize
there’s a deeper getting-to-know-you which occurs there… in the silence, even without words.
something in me began to melt
with the realization that their own life is unfolding in mysterious ways
reflecting on the complexity of life.
and how it’s so easy to hold on to a fixed idea about something, or someone…
finding myself questioning and challenging the hard shield of beliefs and assumptions that i held regarding this person.
…what their life was like when young…
…what their own marriage was like…
…considering where life is leading them…
i didn’t know these things, and so much more.
by the end of the retreat
i could feel a softening,
and a sincere respect for their life.
there’s no knowing, as much as i would like to know, how this whole interwoven confluence of living beings is at play.
sitting here, i’m really grateful for the reminder that my mind & heart can shift, soften, & forgive.
Nadia Boltz-Weber calls this a heart transplant.
i’m reminded of the blessing (& the curse) of this beautiful truth:
all phenomena changes.