Tag Archives: art

Remembering reminders after forgetting.

I forgot to relate to my suffering with curiosity.



I don’t even think it was a matter of forgetting, because to forget, one has to remember, or have some sense of mind-awareness of it in the first place.

So I guess I wasn’t forgetting, but merely embroiled in a cloud of an internal swirling mix of thoughts, projections, worrying, misperceptions, feelings, & emotions.

Sounds like fun, no?



(Raise your hand if anyone out there feels things really deeply)

O hiiiiiiii!



Stop, & pause & breathe.

I forget to stop. To stop & breathe & just feel, notice, be curious about what is happening inside & outside.

Curiosity out the window

I need to invite curiosity to be my pocket roommate & constant intimate companion.



There is a kind of gentleness which comes automatically when I turn towards the critters & the wild things of this world



Even the weather outside receives the open attention & wonder



This mind sometimes not so different from a box of potatoes gone growing…



Um….

Interesting, lovely, amazing even – the will & intelligence of the potato

(Hello Compost)

This quality of attention rarely gets turned around

But that needs to change.



Meditation practice has helped yes

And I need to continue with sitting practice, & to not only read the Dharma –

(Thank you Pema for your practice & writing. thank you Margie for reminding me to re-read When Things Fall Apart, & thank you Mielle for sending me the book in 2009)

– but I seem to require listening to the Dharma as well.

http://www.dharmaseed.org/talks/audio_player/315/23234.html



It’s like a returning, a remembering, a face-palm “o yes, THIS! I forgot!”



I’ve been avoiding listening to Dharma talks, because for a while the talks just triggered the thinking about someone who (relatively) recently broke up with me & so I just stopped listening to avoid that trigger.

But it’s my medicine.

My medicine.

And since I’m not in a Dharma community, it’s up to me to surround myself with whatever medicine helps tend to this mind.



Seeding helps, working with plants helps 

Listening to the Dharma helps…

Making art…



Taking photos, noticing beauty in & of the world





Today is a new day

To practice, to remind myself, to remember when I forget

& to practice the kinder attention.



Gratuitous photo of Genuine, enjoying her grass

(Thank you, Jean, for the photo!)



May you remember the feeling of kindness as your experience of this day unfolds.


How to hold the heart gently.

I’m learning

It’s a new practice

Drawing helps

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Going for walks

Connecting with friends

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Seeing what is present, and cultivating gratitude for all the goodness

What do you do?
How do you hold the heart gently through grief times?


frisson, the practice of staying, & other ramblings.

sometimes

i wish i had began blogging anonymously.

didn’t think of it till later

(this is one of the stories of my life…)

rush headlong into something and then *whoa* and then freak out and hide.

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not that i don’t appreciate people reading my blog

i do

it always feels like an honor…

it’s just that i know some of the people who might see the blog

and it makes it sorta challenging to be brave / to not be shy sometimes, you see…

(cue Piglet wringing his hands and standing, feet askew…)

i feel embarrassed, or shame, or like coming out of a closet of sorts…

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so a word

i just learned a word this week from the Lady Queen Rabbit

frisson 

it’s a French word

that means something like an inner tingle, an excitement.

something that i haven’t been feeling

i’m not going to self-diagnose and call it depression

but there is a sort of

um

numb-ish feeling

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and often swirling in “what the hell am i doing with my life” sort of thoughts

i try to drop into my experience of things deeper

like folding the laundry, for example

(an activity that i really don’t enjoy)

but if i can bring my mind to begin to think of gratitude, it changes the whole situation…

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(amazing drawing done by a child)

gratitude for the clean clothes

for the water that just magically appears at the push of a button

the miracle of soap

the people who sewed each garment

their lives, their stories

that i have a warm & dry place to stand as i fold these clothes

that they keep me warm and from scaring people

(low blow self-depreciating humor, sorry, old habit, so hard to give it up…)

ahem.

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so this frisson thing…

i’m not sure where to find it.

Lady Queen Rabbit posited that perhaps it’s in the art-making process.

this may well be true.

i have yet to test this theory out recently

but i do have the memory of “getting lost” in the process of art-making and it being a sort of intoxicating/satisfying experience.

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(another child’s drawing.  i LOVE children’s drawings…..)

so, to carve out the time to do this art-making

for some reason

has been extremely difficult lately.

no motivation, no frisson

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maybe it’s simply a time for just being with the quiet-numb-feeling and not trying to change, fix, or run away from it.

to just notice things as they are, watch them shift…

then repeat.

tall order for this twitchy rabbit.

i feel the urge to cause some sort of radical shift, some sort of big sweeping change…

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but i’m pretty sure that no matter what, there’d soon follow a settling into this feeling-state again…

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i’m tempted, now, to learn French

it seems like a very rich language.

although, i admittedly suck at the pronunciation of many French words…

(and then there’s the memory aspect of remembering words…)

this morning

i was thinking of my Yaya

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wondering how or where she found her frisson as she moved through her days…

imagining her ironing…  making meals for herself…  tending to her geraniums…

i guess we all have to find our own sort of connection with this spark/arc/connection with spirit within us…

and i’m having a hard time finding mine

but

i’m trying.

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(hipster spatula)

at the suggestion of a friend, i’m reading The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron, and am in the first week of exercises.

we’ll see what unfolds.

and

i’ll keep noticing the beauty that is all around me

and

i’ll keep watching things like this.

wishing everyone a lovely Solstice.