Tag Archives: grief

Weather, some walks, Kitties, & Sunday seeding.

Waking each day in one mood or another  

I try to begin each day with a thanks-for-this-day feeling in my heart

Then step into the day.

Today began uneventfully.

  

Then

Upon putting away a photo of my elder…

(which I had set out for her yortzeit last week, but yesterday & today kept getting the strong push to put it back where it usually sits)

…i found a letter from the person I was beginning to love this time last year.

There was a photo of the two of us, a note from his last visit, & just seeing the handwriting triggered a squinchy feeling in my chest.

  

And just like that 

The weather changed

Right before my morning sit.

  

I didn’t know what to do with the letter, so I set it down & covered it with an image of His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

I didn’t want to sit with that weather, with those feelings. I didn’t want to feel what had arisen

  

Lately, I keep hearing Jack Nicholson’s voice from the movie A Few Good Men barking “you can’t handle the truth”

Which feels like a meanness, but I’m trying to just notice that critical voice (which may well be true)

  

I was glad to get to work, to focus on other things, like chopping vegetables & listening to podcasts on my headphones.

  

This is from a walk the other day to the lower end of the lake.

  

And this is from a walk today after work

On the Western side & towards the upper end of the lake

  

It’s good for me to remember that weather changes.

Just as the feelings came & went by the end of this morning’s sit  

Grief continues to visit & can feel very intense at times, still.

I don’t yet understand why – I’m just trying to make room for its passing through.

  

I haven’t wanted to write much about it

I think I’ve been ashamed of it, wanting to hide its lingering presence.

  

Thank goodness for kitties.

Here’s Sophie  

(All photos of Sophie & Izzy are from Jenny)

  

Here’s Izzy  

  

I love to receive these photos

They do brighten my day

As does visiting the babies

  

They are getting so big

  

This past Sunday the greens & brassicas went into the hoop houses 

  

(Please note the rolled up balls of remay towards the back of the photo…)

But first they waited in the barn as the hoop house soil was readied further 

  

In order for me to do more seeding, the alliums had to wait outside for a spell until all the many trays of greens had a suitable place to sit in the hoop houses

  

This photo makes me smile

The dances done, working things out, imperfectly, but workable.

   

(It’s in the 20’s outside, and warmed to the 30s that day, but relatively warm in the hoop house)

This is the first hoop house in process

And this is what happens when I walk into the greenhouse

 

Steamy

(It becomes even warmer when the sun shines…)

 

  

Joining me in the greenhouse was a small flock of Barred Rock chicks!

  

Peeping & chirping & napping

  

I really enjoyed their company

   

 

The usual Sunday spring seeding… Beets, Raab, Spinach, Lettuce, Cabbage, Scallions, Chard, Kale, Broccoli, Mustard, Brussel’s Sprouts.

  

27 trays in all

Then I went to see the hoop house action

  

The view from the first hoop house towards the long hoop house

  

Steam rises from the cold water on the  warmed soil inside

  

Here’s that wall of remay balls…

  

And the barn-dwelling kitties

  

Hello, Sebastian.

  

Hello, Other.

  

Hello, Nook & Cranny Farm.

On my walk today after work, despite not being able to hike the trail due to icy conditions…

 

There are signs of Spring

  

Swollen fuzzy buds

  

I feel a sadness when a great old tree is cut down

  

Over 140 years old…

  

There’s snow on the ground, but basically it was one huge ice sheet underneath

  

Wishing you patience & kindness with all of your weathers

Blessings on the day.

  


Scars on plants & hearts.

Today at work, the hoop house was readied



The greenhouse is quite full, overflowing with life



Stacks on the floor & on every surface



Next week the babies will be ready to be transplanted into their new home





The greens are coming up nicely 



As are the alliums



Every variety is doing well

Feels really good to tend to these lives



This beauty is a close-up of a kohlrabi

(Grown last season)

Such geometry…! The wonder…!

The leaf scars are formed when the leaf breaks free

The dots are from the vessels that used to be connected which carried water & nutrients through the body of the plant



When the leaf breaks free, the area left open heals over, & it leaves that distinctive mark.

Seeing this, I think of the heart

And the scars from grief

Scars enfolded within ever-enlivened muscle tissue



I met my elder in 2008

Incredibly kind, warm, & generous – today is her yortzeit

(From the German word “yahrzeit” which means “anniversary” or “year’s time”)

An avid gardener & lover of plants – She would appreciate the beauty of the kohlrabi


Breath & 5 senses anchor.

Someone wise
Many years ago
Once told me
That it’s easier to fall down, than to get up.

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It’s true, I’ve found it to be true.
Gravity always wins.

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It takes effort to get up
It takes effort to focus the mind’s eye away from a habitual landing place

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In the case of grief
In the case of loss
The quickest mind route is not unlike the tongue
Going over and over to the place where there was once a tooth

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Someone wise
Recently
As an antidote
Told me to focus on what was present in my life

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For me, this is an uphill practice
An effort full practice
This mind running habit stories
Wild mind
Unruly rabbit.

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The habit has been to focus on what’s missing, the loss
Like that tongue, feeling feeling feeling into where there is no longer a tooth

But

There is much present
So much
There is a great richness in my life

And even when the grief feelings get overwhelming,
There is the breath
to focus upon, to ride like a wave, bringing me to the next and next and next moment

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There is always something
Always something present
Always something to focus upon which lives in the realm of presence

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Staying in the sense realms has been helpful
What is here?
See
Feel
Hear
Taste
Smell

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Where are my feet?
Where is my bottom?

Very nitty-gritty
Very basic.

There is the breath.

It’s come to this
This is my anchor these days

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Whatever works.


Wave of grief

Death comes as a surprise sometimes
And something is felt in the heart

What is it?

Is it the connection that seems to live there like thin, strong layers of Braille embedded in the tissue…?

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What is it?

This tenderness…?

For the close-ones left “behind” here on Earth…
My heart and mind seems to turn towards them

And reflecting on how my life has been braided up, & impacted in countless ways by a family…

And reflecting on this man who is no longer embodied
A very kind, and generous man

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How his activities in this world have touched the lives of so many
Near and far
Impacting this region of the Northeast…

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Recently, someone commented on how they saw my thinking about death as something which sort of colors my life.
I don’t think it was meant as a positive noticing.
But keeping death in mind had me call the person & his wife now and again
To check in, throughout the year
To let them know I was thinking of them
To find out how his treatment was going
To let them know how grateful I am for the times we’ve shared together, and how they positively impacted my life.

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Life & death are inseparable.
Keeping death in mind, for me, supports me reaching outside of myself, stretching…
That is, it helps this often-fearful being find courage
A kind of motivator.

Because death and love go hand in hand in my mind
Or, as a friend said to me a while back,
Love and grief walk hand in hand…
Because if you love someone or something, there is the awareness of the tenuousness of life, and things do change, and death will come, and with that – grief.

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Intellectually I know things are constantly changing
But emotionally, when things DO change, there is an impact

Today
I’m watching grief come and go in waves
Perhaps it has a sort of function
I don’t know.
I keep catching myself wondering when it’ll all pass & I’ll “feel better”

This is me rushing, again
The habit of trying to get away
Aversion.
And so I will continue to practice, albeit imperfectly, to stay.

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Time to sit.
May all beings be happy


breakfast is for the world of the living

i’m packing to move

and in a purse given to me by my grandmother long ago

my dear Yaya

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was a small silk pouch

holding three silver coins

given to me by my grandfather even a longer time ago

my dear Papa

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coins from the same year i was born.

and putting them into my hand

feeling their weight

their weight

weight is for the world of the living

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feeling their weight i thought of the practice of putting coins in the mouth of a person who had died

imagining these three coins in my mouth, perhaps, one day

i couldn’t remember where the practice comes from

or the symbolic gesture of coins in the mouth

sure, i could have paused, Googled the information

but i didn’t

kept packing

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packing is for the world of the living

as is breakfast

steaming, hot oatmeal

which now stands cold

in a bowl

after hearing the news the word

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news & words are for the world of the living

of my dear anchor, my friend, my Elder, my love

passing in the night

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tears & breakfast don’t go well together

if nothing else, i’ve learned this in my time alive here on the planet

and that is something, just to know that.

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full moon pulls in & out

birth & death – labors both

one, we are ushered in, labored in by another.

one, we have to labor ourselves, it seems.

a different sort of birth.

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with a mix of grief & joy with memories

sending blessings

to her family

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to the hearts of her family & friends

and to all worlds

for all beings everywhere.

sending Metta.

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Blessings on music to speak what’s in my heart

i really like this song

and after an emotional day at work

my anchor, my elder, is getting ready to set sail

into her next journey

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my dear friend.

she really IS the best.

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i had to go to the store afterwards before heading home

and this was playing.

i just lost it

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such a beautiful song

i could listen to the last part over & over & over…

and i thank the stars for music –

it speaks what my heart wants to speak but my tongue can’t quite touch…

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we all know that things can change on a dime, but it’s easy to forget.

okay

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so i began to blog because i fell in love with someone last Winter.

someone who i loved in a way i didn’t really understand

in a way that called me to be a way i didn’t know i could be.

strange, easy connection.

but

it didn’t unfold in that capital R relationship-y way

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we were, and are friends

and i’m happy for him that he’s found someone with whom there seems to be a quite wonderful connection between the two of them

this is the best of things.

so

i began to blog.

because i had stopped farming

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and this relationship-connection where sharing occurred was no longer there…

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and

because i felt i had to do something

the energy had to go somewhere

so

i began to blog.

not because i think i have “something to say”

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it came more out of a sort of need

to share.

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i don’t write much about relationship (or Relationship)

but find that i think about relationships a lot.

not just in that “longing” way, but just thinking about it.

i’m in relationship with everyone

and everything.

all the time.

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today

i feel sad, grief i didn’t expect to feel

upon seeing images of a beloved teacher who just passed away.

someone who was very warm, very present, and very kind.

and even though we didn’t share a lot of time out side of the school

there is something in me that feels a great grief in knowing that she’s not embodied any more…

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i’d often drive by her house, & every time i would think fondly of her

even though i had only been there once.

i knew it was her house, her home

and memory is a funny and wonderful thing

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i feel lucky, fortunate, to have shared some time with this very kind, earthy, strong woman.

and i guess it just brings home

that this time we are here is very short

and we all know that things can change on a dime

and

well

the truth of that kinda freaks me out, and i’m feeling it today.

feeling a kind of achy love feeling inside

for the people & critters in my life today…

thinking of her family, and those close with her…

feeling the web of connection today…

blessings.

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