Tag Archives: wondering

Making do, whatever works, wondering about what could be.

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I will admit
I felt a mix of excitement and joy and pride when the odometer in my car passed 200,000 miles.

Thank you Honda.

13 years ago I had the money to buy a car, and needed one for work, and so I chose a Honda Civic because I heard that they could run for 250,000 miles.
I’ve been trying to keep it tidy these days, even vacuumed it out.

It’s got, um, character.

Take, for instance, the ceiling…

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Which began to separate – the fabric, that is, from the ceiling back in 2004 while living in the extremely dry desert.
Which would have cost $500 to repair.

So instead, I used craft glue.

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And duct tape and push pins.

It kept the fabric up to the ceiling, and not drooping down onto my head, flapping in the wind when the windows are rolled down.

Until just recently…

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So out came the craft glue and push pins.

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A day to dry in place, and voila!

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Whatever works.

This, about my car, is silly little thing to share.

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What is on my mind these days is wondering about what is needed…
What is needed in this United States world for African-American young men to feel welcome here in their own country.
What needs to happen for this?
What would the world feel like, look like?
A sense of welcome, the promise of possibility, the space for a soul’s potential…

Sometimes, I wonder if their current experience might be similar to how it was for Jews back in pre-WW2 Europe.

The truth is, I don’t know.
I have no idea.
I’m just trying to feel into it
Trying to hold some space for wondering what could be possible
To help bridge connections.

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These photos were taken yesterday
In town, on the sidewalk.

Much gratitude for whoever took the time to write these.
For sharing kindness.

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connections, jury duty, & wondering what is needed.

 

 

 

 

 

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being on grand jury duty

i cannot say what any of the cases are about.

i can say how challenging it is to sit & stay present

the mind wants to “check out”

“stay” i say

“stay”

feel your legs press into the seat of the chair

feel your feet in your socks in your shoes

the breath moving in & out of this body

“stay”

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it was a breezy day

the wind blew pink petals around like snow falling upwards

swirling

so beautiful

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it’s Thursday

so i take out the pocket knife

emblazoned with a butterfly

a gift from my dad

kept in my bag because you never know when you might need to slice open an avocado.

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or a cucumber…

it’s Thursday so i clip my nails

into the compost bucket

to prevent me picking at my nails out of worry as i sit and feel my legs on the back of the chair

i do not replace the clippers back into my bag

clippers & knife stay at home on Thursday.

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the dogwoods are blooming

and as i sit, and listen, and wince at what i hear being told in the deliberation room

i can’t help but wonder:

what is it

that people are needing?

what do people need that they are perhaps not getting?

what can be taught?

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what path?

how is it that such things are occurring in this world?

*sigh*

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my life, for the most part, is pretty simple, compared to most lives here in the states.

i am present to the goodnesses in my life, especially on Thursdays.

and while i can certainly complain about, o, nearly any given thing…

i can also be present to the connections & gratitude –

just noticing that i can *miracles upon miracles* walk, hold things, see, smell, taste, etc…

just sitting down for breakfast – and gathering up the awareness of all the factors, people, hands that went into a so-called simple bowl of oatmeal & tea.

try it some time…

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when i was a child

i used to attempt to see the trails that people left as they moved about their day.

i failed at this – & could not see the lines.

so i began to imagine them.

all the places they crossed & intersected…

it got to be complicated & was difficult to hold the seeing…

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sitting in grand jury duty

i do not know what impact each decision i make will have on the life of another.

i wish i could see so clearly.

alas.

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thinking about meanness, narcissism, aggression, & “selfies”

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since i tend towards Aggression

(in the big three of Aggression, Ignorance, & Greed
and yes, i have habits of all three,
but Aggression seems to be my go-to habit…
come ride with me in the car and witness
how fast it arises with people who tailgate…)

with this tendency toward Aggression

i seem to have a sharp radar for Aggression in the world.

(that is, the outer world, and more & more getting better at catching the inner world – with practice. 
thank you, my dear therapist.)

becoming well practiced in Meanness gazing, if you will…

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(visual exploration during a migraine the other day…)

so

one of the Meannesses that seems to be up these days

in the outer world

is around “selfies” and Narcissism.

saw a meme the other day that was about the amount of selfies per hour meant the greater the Narcissism.

this may well be true.

but

it may be a bit specific…

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i mean, what if anything projected into the world,

be it a photo of oneself

or another

somebody’s child or children

the food being eaten for dinner

a view

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beloved animal companions

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what is done at work…

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what if it’s all in the name of sharing

or with the longing for connection

or with the hope that it will bring levity or even laughter

some communication of sorts.

something of humor

or beauty

or sadness

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(or beauty & sadness & wonder… like this bat, who died, and its incredible wing…)

or even something mundane.

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(wool socks in silhouette drying on the clothesline inside…)

what if

the images of ones children is no different from the images people post of themselves…

…not everyone has a child…

…or an animal…

…or a view…

but perhaps there is simply a longing to connect & share & communicate & respond & be responded to…

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and what if we enjoy getting to know about each other

and other’s lives, at least a glimpse, a sliver…

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we are SO quick to label and judge

what if there is simply the saying, through action of image or word:

this is where i’m at

this is what i think

this is what i see

this is what happened

this is what was done

something

even trying to convey an emotion, or something ephemeral, a moment…

it’s so EASY to say a name, a negativity, a criticism of another

(or oneself)

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(reminds me of a Shel Silverstein drawing…)

yes, yes there are certainly Narcissistic people in the world.

Wikipedia said people need some semblance of it to function.

(i can hear a mocking voice in my own mind “that’s what Wikipedia SAAAAAID”)

perhaps intention seems to have a big part in sharing…?

it all gets me wondering and wondering…

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about the world of advertisement… branding… promoters… lobbyists…

there are whole industries having something to do with this sharing of something

and

in seeing images that people have shared
people near and far, known & unknown
of themselves, their animals, or children, their dinner
even images of devastation…
something in me is stirred, something in my heart

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(or maybe i’m just a raving, flaming Narcissist…)

my head is spinning a bit and i don’t have clear conclusions through the rambling & wonderings…

except to say

can we please all be a little more kind?

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(Artemis in the field)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone
thanks for sharing y/our world
through words and images
wishing you all good things

 

 


why i gave up on internet dating.

i tried internet dating.

for about a month.  maybe.

i tried because i seem to be invisible where i live.

well, except to what seems to be men over 65.  which is not really what i’m lookin’ for in a date.

creepy thing is that i’ve been told that i look like i’m in my late 20’s (i don’t think people are looking close enough at my grey hair and eye wrinkles) and if dudes in their 60’s are checking me out that makes it even creepier…

so internet dating…

it was just too weird for me.

i know, i know, it works for lots of people and blessings on all of ’em.

but for so many reasons i felt uncomfortable with it – i mean, just the whole intake form…

specifically it was the “5 things you can’t live without” list that got my head spinning.

sure… clean water, relative health, friends, organic food nearby, & etc… that sort of thing is a given.

i can’t remember exactly what i wrote (it has been a while since deactivating my account) – but it was something along the lines of:  my hands, something to write on & write with, friends… and who knows what the other two things were.

the thing is, i kept thinking about it.

maybe i COULD live without my hands.  sure, it would really really suck, but people do lose their hands sometimes, or even are born without hands, and they get along.

i began to actually notice the things i felt i absolutely had to have, either where i live or on my person when leaving the house on any given day…

and i noticed that these 5 things were not on my 5 things i couldn’t live without list.

the rabbit-mind began to spin…

was this dishonest?  was i being a liar?  wouldn’t it be best to be honest?  what did i WANT people to see?  what would people want to see?  it didn’t feel true.  i began to feel like i was setting a stage, like for a play or a musical…  (or probably a comedy, or perhaps, a drama…)

i could have said ANYTHING on that 5 things list…

i can’t leave the house without a flower in my hair  i can’t live without my set of ginzu steak knives

i’m pretty sure that people don’t really give a crap that i can’t live without soap & a nail scrubber.

or that i feel wretched when i’m without a compost pile (or access to a compost pile.)

or my very sexy bite guard.

or toothpaste for sensitive teeth.  (for real, i’d be screwed and forced to eat pudding for the rest of my life were it not for this stuff.)

i suppose if i didn’t live in such a small city, i’d be tempted to simply list the REAL 5 things i can’t live without and see what happens.

but since said dating site matched me with someone who i know wants kids, likes big boobs, and has a porn addiction, i decided to give it up.

anyways, it’s one less thing for this rabbit-mind to spin on about.

now i find myself thinking up “more 5 things” lists all the time, like a game…

it’s kinda fun.


Child or adult?

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today a three year old asked someone (referring to me) “is she a child or an adult?”

the question itself made me laugh, especially coming from a three year old – such honest mouths they have…

(i will admit at the time i was wearing a hat that looked like a bear’s face, the kind with ears and all of that)

(it was cold this morning and i couldn’t find the one i usually wear with the black cat on it…)

(what?)

so, right, that question about if i’m a child or an adult…

i joked, (even though it was a sincere question coming from this 3 year old being), that it’s dubious…

and i found myself pondering the question throughout the day

i mean, i’m 42, so technically i’m an adult.

but i will admit i am naive about a lot of things (even though i’ve got some pretty strong opinions about a lot of things)

and i began to wonder:  what IS it that makes a person an adult?

at some point in my life i had this idea that i’d be an adult when i bought a piece of furniture, like a couch or something, brand new.

with that guideline, i’m not an adult.

or when owned my own home.

again, not an adult.

or got married, or had a child…

still, not an adult.

(not that any of these things technically makes one an adult)

(even the word now begins to sound and look funny

adult

adult

adult

strange, no?)

perhaps, it’s meeting the present, presently – that is, in a very present way – and responding to exactly to what is Here.

sort of in the way that children do, but with all the experience and grace of having gone through time, and with all of that  informing ones response to whatever is Here.

perhaps…?

or maybe it’s the ability to navigate the cultural waters of our time with some semblance of ease and capability.  in which case, again, seeing how i seem to struggle with this, i’m (still) not an adult.

i guess i don’t really know what an adult is

obviously, it’s different from what a child is

sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever be an adult.

i guess i’ll keep pondering it.