Tag Archives: blogging

dropping the ball, unraveling, & pause.

Image

this needs to be short

because i need to get home

home to my next, new home.

first night tonight.

Image

(this is my new flatmate.)

i’ve been dropping the ball.

feels like everything is happening at once.

Image

sure, i can list the many things that had to get done or that happened this past month and give myself a break.

and while it’s part of my practice to be kind, it’s still challenging for me to offer this sort of kindness towards myself.

the habit is “try to be perfect”

Image

(whatever that really is)

or at the very least, not make excuses.

but it seems like i’m failing

Image

*sigh*

i listened to a wonderful podcast from On Being – Krista Tippet interviewing Brene Brown.

she calls it the mid-life unraveling.

i don’t exactly know if that’s what this time in my life is, but i’ll call it that for now.

certainly feels a bit like an unraveling

Image

(Stanley munching his way through my basket handle)

feels like

i’m a spool of thread

that just ran out, leaving the spool spinning around like a top…

Image

my point in writing this post is to let folks know who get the daily good morning photo that while i will continue to take the photos, i don’t know when the internet & computer will be set up and ready to go.

so, there will be a pause in the good morning photos.

i’ll bank them, and when the computer is good to go, i’ll post them.

Image

thanks for reading my blog.

til the next time,

may you be happy.

Image

 


we all know that things can change on a dime, but it’s easy to forget.

okay

Image

so i began to blog because i fell in love with someone last Winter.

someone who i loved in a way i didn’t really understand

in a way that called me to be a way i didn’t know i could be.

strange, easy connection.

but

it didn’t unfold in that capital R relationship-y way

Image

we were, and are friends

and i’m happy for him that he’s found someone with whom there seems to be a quite wonderful connection between the two of them

this is the best of things.

so

i began to blog.

because i had stopped farming

Image

and this relationship-connection where sharing occurred was no longer there…

Image

and

because i felt i had to do something

the energy had to go somewhere

so

i began to blog.

not because i think i have “something to say”

Image

it came more out of a sort of need

to share.

Image

i don’t write much about relationship (or Relationship)

but find that i think about relationships a lot.

not just in that “longing” way, but just thinking about it.

i’m in relationship with everyone

and everything.

all the time.

Image

today

i feel sad, grief i didn’t expect to feel

upon seeing images of a beloved teacher who just passed away.

someone who was very warm, very present, and very kind.

and even though we didn’t share a lot of time out side of the school

there is something in me that feels a great grief in knowing that she’s not embodied any more…

Image

i’d often drive by her house, & every time i would think fondly of her

even though i had only been there once.

i knew it was her house, her home

and memory is a funny and wonderful thing

Image

i feel lucky, fortunate, to have shared some time with this very kind, earthy, strong woman.

and i guess it just brings home

that this time we are here is very short

and we all know that things can change on a dime

and

well

the truth of that kinda freaks me out, and i’m feeling it today.

feeling a kind of achy love feeling inside

for the people & critters in my life today…

thinking of her family, and those close with her…

feeling the web of connection today…

blessings.

Image


habit patterns, talking with a friend, & attempting a zone of peace.

sometimes

it feels like an odd, funny thing to blog

and i need to remind myself that it’s a process of unfolding

shared out into the world.

imperfect & changing.

Image

a reaction blew through, to today’s post.

o yes.

more rice.

so. much. rice.

there’s this habit

ancient habit of feeling like i need to control things

and after re-reading the blog post i found myself going into reaction along the lines of

omigosh i sound so arrogant

Image

so uncomfortable.

thing is

the habits come again and again

relentless record player

t.v. never turns off

so many channels…

and it took talking with a dear friend to settle, to remember, that i don’t have to have it all figured out

it doesn’t have to be all tidy and just so

Image

for the record

(not that there’s a record)

the stories in my mind can go on & on for minutes before i even notice they are “running”…

and although i have an opportunity to drop the story-lines, it often takes great effort.

i was running this story (t.v. channel – tragedy edition) about the person i have feelings for…  and how this other person & he would be such a great couple… and these are the reasons… and i can be happy for them… & & &… on & on…

(sigh)

Image

talking this through with my friend, i could see that i was again trying to control the feelings…

this old habit pattern that if i know something in advance, then maybe then it won’t hurt so much.

proud of this, i am not.

but there it is.

seeing this very ancient pattern, i started to feel bad… shame…

my friend reminded me that berating myself for being caught up in the old-habit patterns isn’t going to be of any benefit…

she’s right.

and then, the feelings came

the uncomfortable feelings i try and try to keep at bay

(without even realizing it most of the time)

(sigh)

Image

i read this wonderful blog earlier today – a beautiful, bold, inspired invitation to cultivate peace…

i imagined myself as Switzerland, as Costa Rica… laying down my weapons, any and all torture devices… becoming a zone of peace…

i can see this is going to be an imperfect practice

something to renew my commitment to day after day

perhaps even moment to moment at times

given the momentum of habit…

i have this picture up at home of two porcupines together…  and looking at it i hear the words:  easy, easy, gentle, gentle…

(sigh)

may i remember the beauty & gift of Mystery, of the unknown, and unknowable… to the unfolding of things.

Image

wishing myself and everyone some ease & some gentle, with all the steps taken to cultivate the proverbial peace gardens from within.

that’s quite enough words for today.

Image


frisson, the practice of staying, & other ramblings.

sometimes

i wish i had began blogging anonymously.

didn’t think of it till later

(this is one of the stories of my life…)

rush headlong into something and then *whoa* and then freak out and hide.

Image

not that i don’t appreciate people reading my blog

i do

it always feels like an honor…

it’s just that i know some of the people who might see the blog

and it makes it sorta challenging to be brave / to not be shy sometimes, you see…

(cue Piglet wringing his hands and standing, feet askew…)

i feel embarrassed, or shame, or like coming out of a closet of sorts…

Image

so a word

i just learned a word this week from the Lady Queen Rabbit

frisson 

it’s a French word

that means something like an inner tingle, an excitement.

something that i haven’t been feeling

i’m not going to self-diagnose and call it depression

but there is a sort of

um

numb-ish feeling

Image

and often swirling in “what the hell am i doing with my life” sort of thoughts

i try to drop into my experience of things deeper

like folding the laundry, for example

(an activity that i really don’t enjoy)

but if i can bring my mind to begin to think of gratitude, it changes the whole situation…

Image

(amazing drawing done by a child)

gratitude for the clean clothes

for the water that just magically appears at the push of a button

the miracle of soap

the people who sewed each garment

their lives, their stories

that i have a warm & dry place to stand as i fold these clothes

that they keep me warm and from scaring people

(low blow self-depreciating humor, sorry, old habit, so hard to give it up…)

ahem.

Image

so this frisson thing…

i’m not sure where to find it.

Lady Queen Rabbit posited that perhaps it’s in the art-making process.

this may well be true.

i have yet to test this theory out recently

but i do have the memory of “getting lost” in the process of art-making and it being a sort of intoxicating/satisfying experience.

Image

(another child’s drawing.  i LOVE children’s drawings…..)

so, to carve out the time to do this art-making

for some reason

has been extremely difficult lately.

no motivation, no frisson

Image

maybe it’s simply a time for just being with the quiet-numb-feeling and not trying to change, fix, or run away from it.

to just notice things as they are, watch them shift…

then repeat.

tall order for this twitchy rabbit.

i feel the urge to cause some sort of radical shift, some sort of big sweeping change…

Image

but i’m pretty sure that no matter what, there’d soon follow a settling into this feeling-state again…

Image

i’m tempted, now, to learn French

it seems like a very rich language.

although, i admittedly suck at the pronunciation of many French words…

(and then there’s the memory aspect of remembering words…)

this morning

i was thinking of my Yaya

Image

wondering how or where she found her frisson as she moved through her days…

imagining her ironing…  making meals for herself…  tending to her geraniums…

i guess we all have to find our own sort of connection with this spark/arc/connection with spirit within us…

and i’m having a hard time finding mine

but

i’m trying.

Image

(hipster spatula)

at the suggestion of a friend, i’m reading The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron, and am in the first week of exercises.

we’ll see what unfolds.

and

i’ll keep noticing the beauty that is all around me

and

i’ll keep watching things like this.

wishing everyone a lovely Solstice.


thinking about meanness, narcissism, aggression, & “selfies”

Image

since i tend towards Aggression

(in the big three of Aggression, Ignorance, & Greed
and yes, i have habits of all three,
but Aggression seems to be my go-to habit…
come ride with me in the car and witness
how fast it arises with people who tailgate…)

with this tendency toward Aggression

i seem to have a sharp radar for Aggression in the world.

(that is, the outer world, and more & more getting better at catching the inner world – with practice. 
thank you, my dear therapist.)

becoming well practiced in Meanness gazing, if you will…

Image

Image

(visual exploration during a migraine the other day…)

so

one of the Meannesses that seems to be up these days

in the outer world

is around “selfies” and Narcissism.

saw a meme the other day that was about the amount of selfies per hour meant the greater the Narcissism.

this may well be true.

but

it may be a bit specific…

Image

i mean, what if anything projected into the world,

be it a photo of oneself

or another

somebody’s child or children

the food being eaten for dinner

a view

Image

beloved animal companions

Image

what is done at work…

Image

Image

what if it’s all in the name of sharing

or with the longing for connection

or with the hope that it will bring levity or even laughter

some communication of sorts.

something of humor

or beauty

or sadness

Image

(or beauty & sadness & wonder… like this bat, who died, and its incredible wing…)

or even something mundane.

Image

(wool socks in silhouette drying on the clothesline inside…)

what if

the images of ones children is no different from the images people post of themselves…

…not everyone has a child…

…or an animal…

…or a view…

but perhaps there is simply a longing to connect & share & communicate & respond & be responded to…

Image

and what if we enjoy getting to know about each other

and other’s lives, at least a glimpse, a sliver…

Image

we are SO quick to label and judge

what if there is simply the saying, through action of image or word:

this is where i’m at

this is what i think

this is what i see

this is what happened

this is what was done

something

even trying to convey an emotion, or something ephemeral, a moment…

it’s so EASY to say a name, a negativity, a criticism of another

(or oneself)

Image

(reminds me of a Shel Silverstein drawing…)

yes, yes there are certainly Narcissistic people in the world.

Wikipedia said people need some semblance of it to function.

(i can hear a mocking voice in my own mind “that’s what Wikipedia SAAAAAID”)

perhaps intention seems to have a big part in sharing…?

it all gets me wondering and wondering…

Image

about the world of advertisement… branding… promoters… lobbyists…

there are whole industries having something to do with this sharing of something

and

in seeing images that people have shared
people near and far, known & unknown
of themselves, their animals, or children, their dinner
even images of devastation…
something in me is stirred, something in my heart

Image

(or maybe i’m just a raving, flaming Narcissist…)

my head is spinning a bit and i don’t have clear conclusions through the rambling & wonderings…

except to say

can we please all be a little more kind?

Image

(Artemis in the field)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone
thanks for sharing y/our world
through words and images
wishing you all good things

 

 


Most Influential Blogger Award

Image

holy wowie i got nominated for an award!?!

totally surprised and honored

first of all, a bow of thanks and respect to Bryan of  Can Bryan Write?  who nominated my blog for this award!

please do check out his blog… the photos and musings about his beloved dog are beautiful.

so

Here is how the award works:

1. Display the Award on your Blog.
2. Announce your win with a post and thank the Blogger who awarded you.
3. Present 10 deserving Bloggers with the Award.  
4. Link your awardees in the post and let them know of their being awarded with a comment.
5. Answer each of the 10 questions that your awarder asked, and then write 10 for your awardees (or use the same ones up to you !)

My choices for Most Influential Blogger are:

Quartz

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

HarsH ReaLiTy

hairballexpress

Just Ponderin

suzie81’s Blog

Ruby the black labrador

Diary of the cat at work

Belle of the Library

Nurse Eye Roll

Here are some random questions for my chosen ones to answer on their own blog post:

 

(just delete my answers if you copy & paste this)

 

1)  What is your favorite season?

 

Autumn (September, October, November)

 

2)  Who is your favorite singer?

 

Patti Smith & Otis Redding & Joni Mitchell

 

3)  What is your favorite kind of music?

 

impossible to choose. all kinds

 

4)  Who is your favorite author?

 

Shel Silverstein, Kurt Vonnegut, Pema Chodron, B. Kliban

 

5)  If you had enough money, what charity would you donate to?

 

International Campaign for Tibet, Heifer International, SPCA

 

6)  If you had enough money, what room in your home would you renovate?

 

i don’t have my own home.  if i had enough money, i would buy a home.  well, maybe.  maybe i’d finally go see Iceland & Japan.  after going to the Redwoods…

 

7)  What is your favorite television show?

 

i don’t really watch t.v., but when my housemates watch, i’ve asked to sit with them when “Diners, Drive-ins, & Dives” comes on

 

8)  Which of these is your most favorite drink: Pepsi – Coke – Ice Tea – Water?

 

hot water

 

9)  Do you own a desktop PC or laptop…or both?

 

desktop PC

 

10)  What would you rather do for relaxation, read a book or watch television?

 

i’d rather go for a walk

 

**********************************

 

Thanks again for the honor, Bryan!

appreciation is a lovely thing

and congratulations to my nominees! thank you for sharing your work, words, & images!

 

 


thinking about shame & life & blogging

Image

i love this quote

Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.  It will not lead you astray.

Jalaluddin Rumi wrote that.

(translated by Coleman Barks.)

it seems perfect that it arrived in my inbox this morning

as yesterday, reflecting on the last blog post had me thinking about my parents

and how it might have been for them when i told them in early 2006 about my choice to move back to New York to live and work on an organic farm.

Image

not being a parent, i do try to put myself in their shoes as best i can.

at the time i had been working four years at a high-end spa practicing massage full-time.

i was making a “good living” for the first time in my life.

but something

which had began to sprout when i was 21 years old

would not wait any longer

and when i was 34 i realized that if i didn’t do something i would regret it for the rest of my life.

so i left my first well-paying job

to move into an unheated, uninsulated “shackette” of about 10 x 13 feet with my cat to live and work and learn and grow (no pun intended) on a small, horse-powered organic farm.

i can’t blame my parents for questioning this decision.

“you’re going to work on a farm without getting paid?!?

well, i’ll get vegetables and a place to live and i’ll get a part-time job i told them

(not yet mentioning the shackette…)

made it back to Ithaca just after the start of May

and after a few months, they could hear it in my voice – happiness.

Image

so, reflecting yesterday about the last blog post

and the clear pull of farming, and returning to Ithaca

and how right now there is no clear pull

but something seems to be unfolding

(starting the blog felt like a clear pull)

even though it felt strange, the hermit-private-sort-of-critter in me was surprised by this pull

after the last wordy blog post

which felt like some sort of coming-out-of-the-closet

http://grooveshark.com/s/I+m+Coming+Out/2zAHFx?src=5

(this song running through my mind while at work)

i spoke about it with the Rabbits

how knowing people i know (including them) who were following my blog it felt strange to write… there was this sort of hesitation to write.

there’s a sort of safety in anonymity which wasn’t there

GULP

it required a certain bravery.

the two blogs i follow consistently are very honest about their lives.

honest and unapologetic.

it’s what i most respect about their blogs.

http://bitchesgottaeat.blogspot.com/

and

http://blog.bedlamfarm.com/

i could feel a familiar wanting to hide, to curl away from what i had shared.

Image

or the feeling which came up as a result of what i had just shared…

(that would be a shy okra pod)

i found the internal reaction/reverberation from posting is dreamer a euphemism for procrastinator brought out a familiar wave of shame.

Image

shame is like rust

it has a silent, yet persistent corrosive action.

going public about this life

even if it’s a pretty low-key, relatively boring life

has a coming out quality to it.

a rawness, a nakedness, an exposure.

(sigh)

lucky me the Rabbits often will comment without my solicitation regarding blog posts.

their enthusiasm and encouragement feeds whatever brave thing within that got me starting to blog in the first place.

Image

so a bow of thanks and a red shiso bouquet to the folks i know and to the folks i don’t know who follow the salted banana.

another quote kept returning to mind yesterday at work (post blog thinking/obsessing)

the best revenge is to live well

i’m not sure how that quote came into mind…

was it hung up somewhere in the house growing up?

couldn’t remember

but was struck by the word ‘revenge’ and how it lives in relative state – that is, if i live well, it’s somehow revengeful to someone or something

which didn’t and doesn’t sit well with me

and yet it’s a sort of pervasive thing…  this living well thing and the shame i have felt for living my life the way i do.

it goes counter to the culture which is projected on magazines, & various media

that i’ve obviously (and unfortunately) absorbed into my psyche

Image

my life, measured by certain standards would not be considered a life lived well, or successful.

but i like my life, for the most part…

and to me, i live a good life

even if i don’t have certain things to show for it

…marriage, kids, a home of my own, new car, sizable bank account, blahblahblah etc…

the feeling of shame or having-done-something-wrong feeling was pervasive, like an internal net of prickly woven shards of rusty metal

and the blog post turned up the awareness of this shame/net-suit.

tight & uncomfortable.

but today

that shard-y, rusty feeling has decreased.

not that it’s fully gone, necessarily

but perhaps loosened?

Image

at the farm in 2010 & 2011 when i worked my very own 1/4 acre of land with the help of Sara & her horses

(and all matter of element and spirits which aided in this venture)

we’d write haiku

on a large piece of slate

that was in the barn nearby where vegetables were washed

we’d write haiku

sometimes for ourselves

sometimes to each other

sometimes creating them together

this was one she had written to me

(the only one i caught a photo of)

the rest were written down in a small book

Image

blessings.