Tag Archives: yortzeit

how to alienate oneself – thoughts about death and Oni.

or rather,

how i worry that i’ll alienate myself for speaking one of a thousand opinions…

(so many opinions…)

(so little diplomacy…)

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today

the creature with whom i felt most close with

died 7 years ago today

his name was/is Oni.

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this is a photo of Oni doing his welcome-home-flomp-&-roll-in-the-sand-thing back when we lived in the Mojave desert.

must have been around 2004.

so

i see posts

on Facebook where people write that this or that person who was incredibly dear to them “would have been” such and such an age if he or she hadn’t died.

and i guess i just can’t relate to that.

i’ve never thought like that and i can’t quite wrap my mind around it.

it feels like a dis-honoring in some way.

Oni lived for 10 1/2 years.

he was indeed my best friend

but never once have i thought of how old he could have been.

because he lived his life.  and then he died.

and wow it was a life-changer.

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today

is his yortzeit, the anniversary of the day he died back in 2006.

i’m so glad he was around that first year back in Ithaca…

a chance to live life on a farm – lush & green & barns to explore & voles to hunt…

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(view from the inside of the barn looking out)

i dunno

to me is seems like a disregarding of a life to project it into the future – like a torture of some kind.

(i know plenty about mental torture)

i dunno

i don’t feel ready to die yet, but that’s the trajectory when we come to this place…

welcome!  happy birthday!  now you are heading towards death!

it’s just the natural course of things.

and for some reason, it erks me whenever i see the “they would have been such and such an age” (had they not died)

but they DID

and that is part of a LIFE

and maybe i just wish people would say

o i miss them so & this is what i love/d about them…

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it’s like there’s this inherent, subtle meanness – some sub subtext of “this is not okay” or “it would have been better this way”

which seems like a dis-honoring to me.

as if to say

just how this life was

was not enough

or not okay

just as it was.

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(sigh)

i am interested

in honoring the arc of a life.

i suppose i might sound cold, heartless.

i suppose i’m not taking the time to explain or express the sort of connection that there was/is with Oni.

but that’s for another time.

(and for when i upload photos and drawings onto the computer…)

for now

it’s an opinion

about life

and honoring ones life

and death

and how that’s a part of ones life

in all its honor.

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Good morning.

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