Thank you for following my blog, even though the content has perhaps been not-so-thoughtful or deeply reflective this past year…
Unless I want to dip back to older post images.
…use it or lose it… So the saying goes.
So I need to get out and take more photos & hope that the new ones will somehow, magically (because I don’t understand such things) find their way to the photos that can be chosen from for posts.
Granted, I’ve been working a lot. 6 days a week for a long time. But this week I have two days off in a row.
And I feel guilty.
Write an essay for my application.
Print out a recommendation form a friend filled out for me, for the above mentioned application.
Go to a copy shop to DO that.
I’m a masterful procrastinator.
It’s a terrible habit.
Know what else I need to do?
I need to ask for help. For support. With loan stuff. (Because I have no idea how to do this. Because I’m going to need to go into debt. For school. Something I’ve managed to mostly avoid up to this point in my life.)
And with computer stuff. (Because I don’t have a computer, & I need a computer, for a program that’s starting sooner than the end of the month.)
And it’s embarrassing to admit that.
I can admit I don’t know, finally, but it triggers something in me where I usually wind up crying because I feel “stupid” & I assume that others think I’m stupid, & I often wind up trying to figure things out in my own, because it’s embarrassing for me to cry in front of people.
It’s because I trust you.
To not judge me as hardly as I do myself.
Because that happens easily & a lot lately & that’s hard to be seen crying but maybe you didn’t know that.
I want to be more open & do the things I’ve been wanting to do & putting off.
And for the people who have followed this blog, even when it’s simply been the good morning view out the west window
Which offers subtle, and not-very-breathtaking views of the sky & slow-change of tree, thank you.
& for my paranoid self that worries about nobody knowing where I am sometimes.
I’m going to take out a loan.
I need to purchase a computer & learn how to navigate my way on it.
I’m going to need to ask for help & support to do this.
It’s probably going to kick up whatever shame that triggers tears & fears & i’m just going to have to keep on walking with a handkerchief & a puffy face.
But I want to try this new way, for me, of a long-term-goal which could be of benefit to others & to myself, for years to come, if I happen to live to years-to-come.
You’ve enriched my life & buoyed my spirits through this past year.