Winter gives way to Spring
Spring gives way to Summer
Summer eases into Fall
and so on.
every thing changes.
but but but
there is still in me this *thing*
like an assumption
which is a curious word
in and of itself.
this day has come
and it will go
each breath comes in, then goes
the people i love, this body i’m inhabiting, even the beliefs i hold about those i do not love…
i watch how i live my life – and i see how i try to hold on to things
at times, so often, so graspy.
at times, now and again, with grace.
and just like that
don’t get me wrong – i appreciate things that are built to last
older buildings being my favorite examples of such things…
or the telephone which sat on the table and was heavy and had the long curly cord attached to it…
people who are courageous, who vow to walk their lives together till death comes for one… signing up for that depth of future-grief.
i guess it’s simply unsettling, still,
this sort of being-ness
like walking a fine line
which always feels like some being-in-between
and the dance of acceptance & effort is a delicate one
i watch the longing – and then i try to practice settling in, or settling down – somewhere in the heart region.
the image that comes is leaning back, into a sort of low & very comfortable chair.
then my eyes, which are often quite alert & tense, relax.
20 years ago this month, (a baffling thing to write) i moved to New York City to begin my formal studies of Shiatsu.
and for a while, i practiced… mostly part-time, and a stretch of years full-time after getting my NY state license to practice massage.
now i only practice every now and again
and find that i mostly enjoy offering it in a casual way – as needed.
“spot work” – and it has taken a long time to drop the judgement of not doing bodywork in that full-on professional way any longer.
when i was 23 i thought i’d be practicing bodywork forever.
and at 34 at the farm i thought i’d be there forever.
so as i look around now at my life
in this present day – there is the feeling of “forever”, and there is the awareness that this too will change.
Blessings on the day.