Tag Archives: jury duty

sometimes, you just gotta stay (y)inside.


was a very tender day


i don’t really know why

i could try to point my finger in a number of directions, trying to find the root cause…

Uranus opposition? Pluto square? transits, moon cycle, mid-life unraveling…?

but the truth is i don’t really know.


all i know is that being alive felt very porous

and open to the world



today was grand jury duty.


and today i lied and called in sick because i just felt too tender to go and listen and see


so i stayed home.

i stayed inside.

(the irony of lying regarding jury duty did not escape me)

i listened to the birds, and read, & meditated, made a phone call & wrote some emails trying to forward a project i’ve been working on since 2011, ate food, drank hot water, listened to the 3 saved astrology cd’s, baked muffins, and threw out all of my old journals.


they were in a box marked to be burned in the case of death, so, why was i waiting?


(blue flax is one of my favorite perennials)

today, a friend & shiatsu mentor since 1995 called – it was so nice to catch up.

and so nice to be able to tell her about the tender, raw-ness, & that she understood such things.

she gave her support for taking care of my Heart Protector, for the self-care i practiced today, & encouraged me to stay in Yin until i was ready to rise up again.

and while we are well into Spring, and while it’s the time of great rising energy


well, sometimes, you just gotta stay (y)inside.


and sometimes, you gotta write things that your friends say on your wrist.


on one of the cd’s, my teacher said: you’ve got to share the pain out into the world to heal it.

which, quite honestly, feels really naked-making, but i get the feeling that she’s right.

and so, this.


20 years ago, i moved to NYC to study shiatsu.

and while i don’t practice all that much any more, i am still learning about Heart Protector & Triple Heater.

but from the inside out, this time.


i don’t honestly know where all of this is headed, how things will unfold.

it remains to be seen.

i feel patient, though.

i hope it will be of benefit

this time, this composting time…

i guess only time will tell.





connections, jury duty, & wondering what is needed.







being on grand jury duty

i cannot say what any of the cases are about.

i can say how challenging it is to sit & stay present

the mind wants to “check out”

“stay” i say


feel your legs press into the seat of the chair

feel your feet in your socks in your shoes

the breath moving in & out of this body



it was a breezy day

the wind blew pink petals around like snow falling upwards


so beautiful


it’s Thursday

so i take out the pocket knife

emblazoned with a butterfly

a gift from my dad

kept in my bag because you never know when you might need to slice open an avocado.


or a cucumber…

it’s Thursday so i clip my nails

into the compost bucket

to prevent me picking at my nails out of worry as i sit and feel my legs on the back of the chair

i do not replace the clippers back into my bag

clippers & knife stay at home on Thursday.


the dogwoods are blooming

and as i sit, and listen, and wince at what i hear being told in the deliberation room

i can’t help but wonder:

what is it

that people are needing?

what do people need that they are perhaps not getting?

what can be taught?


what path?

how is it that such things are occurring in this world?



my life, for the most part, is pretty simple, compared to most lives here in the states.

i am present to the goodnesses in my life, especially on Thursdays.

and while i can certainly complain about, o, nearly any given thing…

i can also be present to the connections & gratitude –

just noticing that i can *miracles upon miracles* walk, hold things, see, smell, taste, etc…

just sitting down for breakfast – and gathering up the awareness of all the factors, people, hands that went into a so-called simple bowl of oatmeal & tea.

try it some time…


when i was a child

i used to attempt to see the trails that people left as they moved about their day.

i failed at this – & could not see the lines.

so i began to imagine them.

all the places they crossed & intersected…

it got to be complicated & was difficult to hold the seeing…


sitting in grand jury duty

i do not know what impact each decision i make will have on the life of another.

i wish i could see so clearly.






internet, loneliness, & rambling about missing my elder

okay i know i’m not supposed to say this


i don’t feel any less lonely than usual now that i have internet


(April 3rd, o yes)

perhaps this is a DUH sort of thing

i guess i had it in my head that something radical would shift once the internet was up and working


but the truth is

i kinda liked having to ask my elder to use his computer

i like being all braided up with others


i do

i need people.

for better or for worse, i do.

i feel at a loss without being braided up with others.

the loneliness gets too big without the connections.


i kinda liked not thinking about email, Facebook, etc. for a while.

i kinda liked going for a week between email checkings, only to find that i hadn’t missed any important emails (because i don’t really get that many important emails…)

i liked asking to use someone else’s computer… sharing.


sure, i got behind on reading blogs

and i was off of Facebook for a month


i wrote letters

i’ve been settling in to my new home


(passion flower was happy for the new window)

going for walks



been on Grand Jury duty

i don’t recommend it if you happen to not like watching crime drama in media…


i go each week and watch & listen to cases being presented in ways where i honestly just want to cover my face and stick my fingers in my ears and go LALALALALALALA


“it could be worse”

a mantra i learned from my elder


who i miss deeply


who i think of every day


she’s in every flower i see blooming


every twittering bird


in the outfits i wear



i do hope

to be so lucky

to love someone in such a way through time

that when the Time comes for them to go


that i’ll feel a sheet-sized tear in my heart


“we’re such lucky, lucky people”

(another anchor mantra)

the last day i saw her


she said to me to make sure i posted it

i don’t know what “it” was or is

so i’ll just keep posting things

it just wasn’t the time to say “what?”

it was just a time to say i love you

to say good bye

to say thank you


after Jury duty i go to the farm where i’m keeping a garden this season

and it’s so helpful.


from a spinning top i become calm, happy, content.

my elder would have wanted Blue Hubbard squash – so i’ll be planting that for sure.

even if she’s not around to eat it.


her memorial service was lovely

so much beauty




facets of her that i never knew about, revealed in the telling of story

such a generosity

lots of food






i think of elephants

their ways of mourning

we’re all not so different, really.