Tag Archives: jury duty

sometimes, you just gotta stay (y)inside.

yesterday

was a very tender day

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i don’t really know why

i could try to point my finger in a number of directions, trying to find the root cause…

Uranus opposition? Pluto square? transits, moon cycle, mid-life unraveling…?

but the truth is i don’t really know.

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all i know is that being alive felt very porous

and open to the world

thin-skinned.

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today was grand jury duty.

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and today i lied and called in sick because i just felt too tender to go and listen and see

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so i stayed home.

i stayed inside.

(the irony of lying regarding jury duty did not escape me)

i listened to the birds, and read, & meditated, made a phone call & wrote some emails trying to forward a project i’ve been working on since 2011, ate food, drank hot water, listened to the 3 saved astrology cd’s, baked muffins, and threw out all of my old journals.

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they were in a box marked to be burned in the case of death, so, why was i waiting?

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(blue flax is one of my favorite perennials)

today, a friend & shiatsu mentor since 1995 called – it was so nice to catch up.

and so nice to be able to tell her about the tender, raw-ness, & that she understood such things.

she gave her support for taking care of my Heart Protector, for the self-care i practiced today, & encouraged me to stay in Yin until i was ready to rise up again.

and while we are well into Spring, and while it’s the time of great rising energy

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well, sometimes, you just gotta stay (y)inside.

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and sometimes, you gotta write things that your friends say on your wrist.

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on one of the cd’s, my teacher said: you’ve got to share the pain out into the world to heal it.

which, quite honestly, feels really naked-making, but i get the feeling that she’s right.

and so, this.

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20 years ago, i moved to NYC to study shiatsu.

and while i don’t practice all that much any more, i am still learning about Heart Protector & Triple Heater.

but from the inside out, this time.

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i don’t honestly know where all of this is headed, how things will unfold.

it remains to be seen.

i feel patient, though.

i hope it will be of benefit

this time, this composting time…

i guess only time will tell.

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connections, jury duty, & wondering what is needed.

 

 

 

 

 

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being on grand jury duty

i cannot say what any of the cases are about.

i can say how challenging it is to sit & stay present

the mind wants to “check out”

“stay” i say

“stay”

feel your legs press into the seat of the chair

feel your feet in your socks in your shoes

the breath moving in & out of this body

“stay”

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it was a breezy day

the wind blew pink petals around like snow falling upwards

swirling

so beautiful

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it’s Thursday

so i take out the pocket knife

emblazoned with a butterfly

a gift from my dad

kept in my bag because you never know when you might need to slice open an avocado.

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or a cucumber…

it’s Thursday so i clip my nails

into the compost bucket

to prevent me picking at my nails out of worry as i sit and feel my legs on the back of the chair

i do not replace the clippers back into my bag

clippers & knife stay at home on Thursday.

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the dogwoods are blooming

and as i sit, and listen, and wince at what i hear being told in the deliberation room

i can’t help but wonder:

what is it

that people are needing?

what do people need that they are perhaps not getting?

what can be taught?

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what path?

how is it that such things are occurring in this world?

*sigh*

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my life, for the most part, is pretty simple, compared to most lives here in the states.

i am present to the goodnesses in my life, especially on Thursdays.

and while i can certainly complain about, o, nearly any given thing…

i can also be present to the connections & gratitude –

just noticing that i can *miracles upon miracles* walk, hold things, see, smell, taste, etc…

just sitting down for breakfast – and gathering up the awareness of all the factors, people, hands that went into a so-called simple bowl of oatmeal & tea.

try it some time…

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when i was a child

i used to attempt to see the trails that people left as they moved about their day.

i failed at this – & could not see the lines.

so i began to imagine them.

all the places they crossed & intersected…

it got to be complicated & was difficult to hold the seeing…

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sitting in grand jury duty

i do not know what impact each decision i make will have on the life of another.

i wish i could see so clearly.

alas.

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internet, loneliness, & rambling about missing my elder

okay i know i’m not supposed to say this

but

i don’t feel any less lonely than usual now that i have internet

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(April 3rd, o yes)

perhaps this is a DUH sort of thing

i guess i had it in my head that something radical would shift once the internet was up and working

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but the truth is

i kinda liked having to ask my elder to use his computer

i like being all braided up with others

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i do

i need people.

for better or for worse, i do.

i feel at a loss without being braided up with others.

the loneliness gets too big without the connections.

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i kinda liked not thinking about email, Facebook, etc. for a while.

i kinda liked going for a week between email checkings, only to find that i hadn’t missed any important emails (because i don’t really get that many important emails…)

i liked asking to use someone else’s computer… sharing.

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sure, i got behind on reading blogs

and i was off of Facebook for a month

but

i wrote letters

i’ve been settling in to my new home

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(passion flower was happy for the new window)

going for walks

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and

been on Grand Jury duty

i don’t recommend it if you happen to not like watching crime drama in media…

alas

i go each week and watch & listen to cases being presented in ways where i honestly just want to cover my face and stick my fingers in my ears and go LALALALALALALA

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“it could be worse”

a mantra i learned from my elder

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who i miss deeply

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who i think of every day

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she’s in every flower i see blooming

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every twittering bird

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in the outfits i wear

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*sigh*

i do hope

to be so lucky

to love someone in such a way through time

that when the Time comes for them to go

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that i’ll feel a sheet-sized tear in my heart

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“we’re such lucky, lucky people”

(another anchor mantra)

the last day i saw her

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she said to me to make sure i posted it

i don’t know what “it” was or is

so i’ll just keep posting things

it just wasn’t the time to say “what?”

it was just a time to say i love you

to say good bye

to say thank you

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after Jury duty i go to the farm where i’m keeping a garden this season

and it’s so helpful.

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from a spinning top i become calm, happy, content.

my elder would have wanted Blue Hubbard squash – so i’ll be planting that for sure.

even if she’s not around to eat it.

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her memorial service was lovely

so much beauty

kindness

stories

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facets of her that i never knew about, revealed in the telling of story

such a generosity

lots of food

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laughter

sadness

missing

sweetness.

i think of elephants

their ways of mourning

we’re all not so different, really.

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