i wish i had began blogging anonymously.
didn’t think of it till later
(this is one of the stories of my life…)
rush headlong into something and then *whoa* and then freak out and hide.
not that i don’t appreciate people reading my blog
it always feels like an honor…
it’s just that i know some of the people who might see the blog
and it makes it sorta challenging to be brave / to not be shy sometimes, you see…
(cue Piglet wringing his hands and standing, feet askew…)
i feel embarrassed, or shame, or like coming out of a closet of sorts…
so a word
i just learned a word this week from the Lady Queen Rabbit
it’s a French word
that means something like an inner tingle, an excitement.
something that i haven’t been feeling
i’m not going to self-diagnose and call it depression
but there is a sort of
and often swirling in “what the hell am i doing with my life” sort of thoughts
i try to drop into my experience of things deeper
like folding the laundry, for example
(an activity that i really don’t enjoy)
but if i can bring my mind to begin to think of gratitude, it changes the whole situation…
(amazing drawing done by a child)
gratitude for the clean clothes
for the water that just magically appears at the push of a button
the miracle of soap
the people who sewed each garment
their lives, their stories
that i have a warm & dry place to stand as i fold these clothes
that they keep me warm and from scaring people
(low blow self-depreciating humor, sorry, old habit, so hard to give it up…)
so this frisson thing…
i’m not sure where to find it.
Lady Queen Rabbit posited that perhaps it’s in the art-making process.
this may well be true.
i have yet to test this theory out recently
but i do have the memory of “getting lost” in the process of art-making and it being a sort of intoxicating/satisfying experience.
(another child’s drawing. i LOVE children’s drawings…..)
so, to carve out the time to do this art-making
for some reason
has been extremely difficult lately.
no motivation, no frisson…
maybe it’s simply a time for just being with the quiet-numb-feeling and not trying to change, fix, or run away from it.
to just notice things as they are, watch them shift…
tall order for this twitchy rabbit.
i feel the urge to cause some sort of radical shift, some sort of big sweeping change…
but i’m pretty sure that no matter what, there’d soon follow a settling into this feeling-state again…
i’m tempted, now, to learn French
it seems like a very rich language.
although, i admittedly suck at the pronunciation of many French words…
(and then there’s the memory aspect of remembering words…)
i was thinking of my Yaya
wondering how or where she found her frisson as she moved through her days…
imagining her ironing… making meals for herself… tending to her geraniums…
i guess we all have to find our own sort of connection with this spark/arc/connection with spirit within us…
and i’m having a hard time finding mine
at the suggestion of a friend, i’m reading The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron, and am in the first week of exercises.
we’ll see what unfolds.
i’ll keep noticing the beauty that is all around me
i’ll keep watching things like this.
wishing everyone a lovely Solstice.