Good morning human who is reading this.
Thank you for following my blog, even though the content has perhaps been not-so-thoughtful or deeply reflective this past year…
My previous bank of photos will not upload to WordPress, so I currently have a small amount to draw from
Unless I want to dip back to older post images.
Which would be fine, but there were other things I meant to write about.
…use it or lose it… So the saying goes.
So I need to get out and take more photos & hope that the new ones will somehow, magically (because I don’t understand such things) find their way to the photos that can be chosen from for posts.
I’m really good at wasting time.
Granted, I’ve been working a lot. 6 days a week for a long time. But this week I have two days off in a row.
And I feel guilty.
That’s messed up.
Thing is, there are things I need to do.
Write an essay for my application.
Print out a recommendation form a friend filled out for me, for the above mentioned application.
Go to a copy shop to DO that.
Sometimes I just don’t want to get into my car to go anywhere. People drive more & more aggressively.
I’m a masterful procrastinator.
No, I’m not proud of procrastinating.
It’s a terrible habit.
Know what else I need to do?
I need to ask for help. For support. With loan stuff. (Because I have no idea how to do this. Because I’m going to need to go into debt. For school. Something I’ve managed to mostly avoid up to this point in my life.)
And with computer stuff. (Because I don’t have a computer, & I need a computer, for a program that’s starting sooner than the end of the month.)
It’s hard for me to ask for help. To admit I don’t know.
And it’s embarrassing to admit that.
I can admit I don’t know, finally, but it triggers something in me where I usually wind up crying because I feel “stupid” & I assume that others think I’m stupid, & I often wind up trying to figure things out in my own, because it’s embarrassing for me to cry in front of people.
And for the people who may be reading this who HAVE helped & supported me because I asked for help might be thinking: she asks me/us for help all the time…
It’s because I trust you.
To not judge me as hardly as I do myself.
And because it’s safe to cry in front of you.
Because that happens easily & a lot lately & that’s hard to be seen crying but maybe you didn’t know that.
Things are changing. They are always changing. And this is a change-place in my life, so I need to do things differently.
I want to be more open & do the things I’ve been wanting to do & putting off.
Time is fleeting. It just goes.
And for the people who have followed this blog, even when it’s simply been the good morning view out the west window
Which offers subtle, and not-very-breathtaking views of the sky & slow-change of tree, thank you.
It has also been a location device, as well, given my nomadic nature with the house sitting.
& for my paranoid self that worries about nobody knowing where I am sometimes.
My bird-way of saying: I’m here! I’m here!
I’m going back to school.
I’m going to take out a loan.
I need to purchase a computer & learn how to navigate my way on it.
I’m going to need to ask for help & support to do this.
It’s probably going to kick up whatever shame that triggers tears & fears & i’m just going to have to keep on walking with a handkerchief & a puffy face.
It’s easy to give up.
But I want to try this new way, for me, of a long-term-goal which could be of benefit to others & to myself, for years to come, if I happen to live to years-to-come.
So thank you, salted banana friends & followers, for being interested & for reading or looking, for caring & to the fellow bloggers who share their world (inner & outer) – a deep bow to you.
You’ve enriched my life & buoyed my spirits through this past year.
Thank you & good morning.