Tag Archives: feelings

Hopi Black Dye Sunflower Seed dye & heartbeat.

My heart beats a bit faster
Just sitting here, tap tapping with the tip of my finger on the surface of the phone face
With the thoughts about the Hopi Black Dye Sunflower Seed dye.

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Time is relative
Long, in terms of time, is relative

This is over four years coming
What I would call a long time coming

This Hopi Black Dye Sunflower Seed dye

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I had tried to grow Hopi Black Dye Sunflowers each year since 2010,
finding the seed in the previous Winter

But various conditions occurred

Seeds didn’t germinate…
Seeds were disturbed & eaten by critters in the barn…
Young, tender plants munched down by critters in the field…
Running out of seed…
Trying again year after year with critter munching being the main decider.

Everybody’s hungry.

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But this year

This year, TWO PLANTS SURVIVED!!

And for the past couple of weeks, with the preparations (and even writing this) I notice a sort of anxiety/excitement feeling in my heart

With each step closer

You ever want something so so much and the closer you get to it, the stronger the anxiety-feeling in your heart?

Yeah
THAT feeling.

I’ve been trying to make room for this
(& all of the) feeling that blows through this organism

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All of the Weathers

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No matter what Moon phase

Trying to hold space for, to make room for all of the feelings to come through the pasture, so to speak.

Breathe, Marney

So this process, which has become precious, important, and I bring my attention & thanks to it

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Honoring the heart-longing

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And so, from seed to seeds

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Allowing them to soak for two days in a pot of water

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Brought to a boil, and simmered for 20 minutes

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Then after sitting for two more days
(Thump thump thump goes the heart getting closer)

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With the simple tools, and small stack of paper

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Onward

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It was at this point I considered putting down the phone/camera – out of concern that i could spill the dye…..

Breeeeeeathe

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“…the greater the risk, the greater the glory…” ?!?!??

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Not a lot of dye, so gotta try to get all the goodness…

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Must
Get
All of it!!!

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I found that if I put my fingers below the seed pile on the strainer, more liquid would flow through

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There’s probably some law of Physics which explains this
But I never took physics, sadly

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Yeah, this looks a bit post-Halloween-nails-creepy

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Whoops!
Gettin’ wild in the kitchen…

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Onward

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Step by step

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I had hoped to dye 24 sheets of paper
But it would have been squeezed, so decided to pause at 18 sheets

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Settling in after some minutes

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Thump thump thump
Goes the heart


Pickled peppers, anchors, & Blue Hubbard squash.

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Don’t wait.

if you wait, the pickled peppers might go bad.

if someone gives you a gift, open it

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use it

use it up

delight in each pepper

savor the spicy zing on the tongue.

before eating – offer thanks, gather blessings

imagine their garden

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the tending, the soil

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imagine the rain, the sun, and all the Elementals involved in the creation of a plant-being

a pepper

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imagine the hands that tended to this pepper plant

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these hands that you know

the one that you love

the one that gave you this jar of pickled peppers

because they know you love them

don’t wait to eat them

savor them

enjoy

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every Wednesday, i support the tending of a house & the people, the home of some Elders.

this job, these people

have been my anchors.

since 2009, every Wednesday

(barring retreats, visits to family, & the month i was out when i injured my back in 2012)

every Wednesday this place, these people have been my destination, my North Pole.

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from a string of boyfriends, through various places of living, & a number of farming situations

since 2009 they have been my one constant.

Anchor:  any device used in the manner of an anchor to hold a boat in place…. a reliable support…. a source of confidence that serves to hold an object firmly

yes

i need this

i am drifty

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finding love here & there – a place, a person, a job

so easy to fall in love

but these Elders, this place, on Wednesdays has held me tight

with gratidute

even when i want to leave, to run…

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but i stay.

i love them.

they love Blue Hubbard squash.

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the first year i farmed on my own it was a bumper crop for Winter squash.

hundreds of pounds

but no place to put them.

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so they let me put all of them in their upstairs bedroom

the great Blue Hubbard – easily over 25 pounds – sat like an emperor on a low table

waiting

this year i planted no Winter squash

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but found a Blue Hubbard and with the remembering of the pickled peppers

decided to not wait any longer to cook it up

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(well, part of it)

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big beauty.

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into soup

made to share

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don’t wait.

who are your anchors?

what would you want to say to the ones you appreciate?

who are the people that have made a difference in your life?

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what would you share with them if you allowed your heart to speak?

what would you want to let them know

if you let your heart speak it’s appreciations?

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don’t wait

do you have a dream in your heart?

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a longing that has been there forever?

a way of life you want to live?

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would you dare speak your heart to the one that causes it to beat a little faster?

even though you might feel like a prize fool after?

gather up your courage

and speak from your heart.

don’t wait.

open the jar of pickled peppers

make the soup from the Hubbard you’ve been saving

let The Ones know how your heart feels about them

and the ways they have shaped the life of your life.

don’t wait.

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habit patterns, talking with a friend, & attempting a zone of peace.

sometimes

it feels like an odd, funny thing to blog

and i need to remind myself that it’s a process of unfolding

shared out into the world.

imperfect & changing.

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a reaction blew through, to today’s post.

o yes.

more rice.

so. much. rice.

there’s this habit

ancient habit of feeling like i need to control things

and after re-reading the blog post i found myself going into reaction along the lines of

omigosh i sound so arrogant

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so uncomfortable.

thing is

the habits come again and again

relentless record player

t.v. never turns off

so many channels…

and it took talking with a dear friend to settle, to remember, that i don’t have to have it all figured out

it doesn’t have to be all tidy and just so

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for the record

(not that there’s a record)

the stories in my mind can go on & on for minutes before i even notice they are “running”…

and although i have an opportunity to drop the story-lines, it often takes great effort.

i was running this story (t.v. channel – tragedy edition) about the person i have feelings for…  and how this other person & he would be such a great couple… and these are the reasons… and i can be happy for them… & & &… on & on…

(sigh)

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talking this through with my friend, i could see that i was again trying to control the feelings…

this old habit pattern that if i know something in advance, then maybe then it won’t hurt so much.

proud of this, i am not.

but there it is.

seeing this very ancient pattern, i started to feel bad… shame…

my friend reminded me that berating myself for being caught up in the old-habit patterns isn’t going to be of any benefit…

she’s right.

and then, the feelings came

the uncomfortable feelings i try and try to keep at bay

(without even realizing it most of the time)

(sigh)

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i read this wonderful blog earlier today – a beautiful, bold, inspired invitation to cultivate peace…

i imagined myself as Switzerland, as Costa Rica… laying down my weapons, any and all torture devices… becoming a zone of peace…

i can see this is going to be an imperfect practice

something to renew my commitment to day after day

perhaps even moment to moment at times

given the momentum of habit…

i have this picture up at home of two porcupines together…  and looking at it i hear the words:  easy, easy, gentle, gentle…

(sigh)

may i remember the beauty & gift of Mystery, of the unknown, and unknowable… to the unfolding of things.

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wishing myself and everyone some ease & some gentle, with all the steps taken to cultivate the proverbial peace gardens from within.

that’s quite enough words for today.

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Sadfloods, happiness, & Aro’s moving day.

it’s interesting to reflect on a day throughout a day…

you never know how it will unfold

or how it’s going to end up.

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one of the homes where i clean has a number of stuffed animals.

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this is Zebra & Elephant

i arrange them in different ways when i’m there.

Zebra & Elephant are tight.

they are close friends.

when i look at Zebra & Elephant, i think of Aro, who moved this morning.

with her son & some other friends, yesterday, we packed up a moving truck with her belongings.

it was a beautiful day

and i was happy to be there

then just before bedtime

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i felt sad

really sad

sometimes the sads come and they are like a flood of gremlins taking over the little house of my mind.

flinging open closed doors having any semblance of sadness conveniently tucked away…

(or as Rumi has said:  “violently sweeping your house, empty of its furniture”)

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eventually i was able to fall asleep

but upon waking, & thinking of her leaving today

came another flood of sads.

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(big breath)

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this is from a recent day, before the snowfall – with Aro greeting me one afternoon from her now former little house.

it’s a strange thing…

to feel so happy for her

and then

a deep sadness.

it took a while for me to come out from the sadflood

and only did so through listening to a wonderful podcast of an interview with the late Irish poet & philosopher, John O’Donohue.

http://www.onbeing.org/program/inner-landscape-beauty/203

(i recommend the unedited version…)

and among other things, was reminded of the importance of beauty.

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Aro has this amazing way with beauty

the way she lives her life

the way she creates a home around her

the things that her multi-skilled hands craft & create…

i don’t have any photo images to upload of her visual creations

(& all of the photos from the time we farmed together in 2009 are on Facebook, and i don’t know how to get them here…)

but here is a link to her Sound Cloud site

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Aro called a little while ago

i was happy to hear from her… they are almost there.

i’m grateful for the cell phone tonight.

blessings on our good friends.