something about the days before the New and Full moons
i get to see the mind, this mind
so unwholesome, so identified with unwholesome states.
it can be quite painful.
listening to Dharma is, and has been so helpful.
very, very nourishing to me
lately it seems like the only good food
that and connecting with others
and tending to the plants
and being with cats.
(this is Artemis – from 2011)
sometimes, i think, maybe this isn’t enough.
but that, perhaps, is simply another unwholesome groove.
listening to Winnie’s talk this morning
offers good direction
& shines light on what i must do.
i don’t know why i forget, but i do seem to forget
over & over…
the work, the effort of training the mind is just that
aversion doesn’t help
as i write this, i can at least begin to see when aversion arises
like some great flag has been raised
today i wrote the words “Wise attention” on my wrist
because while i can certainly pay attention, it isn’t necessarily wise to pay attention to certain things, or thoughts
so, i used the reminder to apply wise attention
i had to re-write it a few times in the day…
sometimes, just this sort of reminder is all that it takes
to guide my attention, which often wanders around like some rabid, tortuous story-teller of misery & meanness.
we have to start where we are
and this mind can be quite unruly & wild,
(STILL) so undisciplined.
i think i thought somehow it would just happen
a calm, settled mind.
this mind needs training.
wild horse training.
and i’m the one to do it.
with gratitude there are Dharma teachers & teachings as my guide.
no point in trying to hide or shaming myself for where i’m at, in this stage of evolution.
i have to admit
a part of me was hoping i’d be “further along”
not get ruffled, not get caught up, not spin…
nothing unsavory… or if so, then at least, short, light.
you know, like, puffy clouds…
i suppose it’s enough
enough to simply be a part of the living river of Dharma practitioners
and i really do hope that’s enough.
a bow to all who are working with their minds
a bow to wherever you are in your evolution
a bow for your efforts
for your one step forward and two steps back
i bow to you and your efforts.
may all beings be happy.